Jamie's Story

 

After dinner with my parents we decided to go back to our house. We wanted to sit and visit for awhile. We were having a good time as we did everytime we got together. Just after 8:00pm my phone rang and I answered. I heard alot of crying and some screaming of some sort. I kept telling the person on the other end to calm down because I couldn't understand them. I kind of laughed a little bit, as I thought it was one of my friends who maybe drank a little to much. Finally the woman on the other end calmed down enough so I could ask what was wrong. I never expected to hear what I heard next. There was a moment of silence and then all of a sudden I heard "Devon hung himself." Only then did I realize that it was my sister Jodi on the phone. In a complete state of shock, I just dropped the phone. Which I never should have done, as my mother was the one who picked it up off of the floor. I instantly started to cry and my mother just looked at me in disbelief as she too then dropped the phone. My father then picked it up, not having any idea what was going on. Jodi screamed again “Devon hung himself” Dad yelled to Jodi to call 911. I will never forget the look on my parents face, my brother was their baby. My husband was in the washroom and he had to walk out to see us all crying and freaking out. I didn't know how to tell him but the words just came out so bluntly,"My brother hung himself." He had no idea what to do or say.

We all hurried to get our shoes and jackets on. We ran down the stairs and hopped into my parents car. Thank God my dad was the one driving. During drive to my parents, which seemed like an eternity but was really only 7 minutes or so, everyone was in a supreme state of shock. I lit a cigarette to try and relax or something but I don't think I even smoked any of it. All I could hear was my mother crying and saying "no Doug, thats our baby." And all I could feel was guilt. My brother said he was ready to go home. Why couldn't I see that he wasn't? Why couldn't he tell me that he wasn't ok? Why did I drive him home, it was too soon? Why did I leave him there by himself? Why, why, why? I just wanted to wake up, hoping this was all a bad dream. But it wasn't.

As we pulled into the bay you could see nothing but blue and red flashing lights. There were people standing everywhere. This was no dream. We couldn't even pull up to the house so my dad just pulled up into someone else's driveway. We all got out and ran towards the house. Our neighbours were trying to stop us to see what was going on. We just ran through everyone. It was almost like everything was in fast forward, everything was just a blur.

We ran through the front door. I don't know exactly how many police officers or EMT's there were but it seemed like fifty. I looked into the kitchen and saw Jodi. I will never be able to describe the look that was on her face. It was almost ghost like. I instantly wanted to cry knowing that she was the one who found him. My poor sister was instantly traumatized for life. I just kept wishing that it would have been me who found him. I kept thinking I could have prevented this, I could have stopped it, it was my fault. The next thing I remember is an EMT trying to speak to us. They told us my brother was gone. Once again everything went into a blur. It was like everything in the background went out of focus and the focal points were my family members. Out of one corner of my eye I watched my mother fall to her knees, my dad put his arms around her trying to be the strong one. My mother just kept crying and screaming "No Doug, that is our baby, no, no." Then my sight switched to my sister Jodi. She was crying so hysterically that she was vomiting everywhere. She just kept crying out "i'm sorry." Not even thinking about myself, seven months pregnant at the time, I dropped to the floor without even noticing. The only reason I even noticed was because a couple of EMT's came to me and asked if I needed any help and if I was ok. I just rudely said yes and told them to go and help my brother. My husband came and sat with me and just held me. I never shed a tear. I could never believe for a second that I just lost my little brother, my "Buddy".

After what seemed like an eternity, an EMT came upstairs and said “we have a pulse, we found a pulse”. The feeling was almost like you had been drowning in water and someone finally pulled you out. It was that sort of relief. The best kind. My mother wanted to go downstairs to see him but they wouldn't let her. They didn't want any of us to see him like that. They told us all to go into the livingroom. They didn't want anyone to see Devon when they brought him upstairs. Everyone wanted to go with my brother but we all did as we were told and drove to the Pasqua hospital. When we arrived, we were placed in a family room to sit and wait for a doctor to come and tell us what was going on. It was at that moment, staring everyone in the face, that I finally accepted why we were there. I began to cry, along with everyone else. I couldn't stand it. I think I went outside for a million cigarettes, probably not even actually smoking one. My parents finally got to go in and see Devon. They weren't in there long when my father came out and asked me if I wanted to go in and see him. I almost ran. He was in a big white room laying on a stretcher. His face was very blue colored and he was trembling like I never seen anyone tremble before. He had a tube down his throat that was helping him breath and a neck collar on just in case his neck was broken. My mother was holding his hand and I grabbed the other. He was so cold to the touch. His eyes were closed and his face looked swollen. I just leaned over and gave him a kiss. On my way up I noticed the rope burn that was around his neck. Reality really set in. I just ran my fingers through his hair and told him to hang on and to let him know that I was there and that I wasn't going anywhere. I said "I love you". Then I thought to myself, if my brother decides he needs to leave us today at least I said "I love you" to him when I dropped him off earlier that night. At least he knew.